Regan. Too Old. Too Tired. Ambivert. Appreciator of The Pine. just a blog dedicated to all my muses, ships, and all their pretty faces. sometimes I do things.
This wasn’t supposed to be a belated post but life is working against me and hates our friendship apparently and didn’t want me to post, but finally here we are and now here comes the hard part of having to say something nice about you ugh…
Kidding… It is no secret that despite the mean things we say to each other you are high on the list of people that I adore. The meaner I am to you it’s only cause I like you more. I love your quick-witted nature. That it’s so easy to just be silly with you. You are the kind of person where things feel lighter when talking to you and that is such a gift to have. Life can be draining but then I get to have a short conversation with you and you bring such a smile to my face. I am so thankful for you. For you sarcastic banter. Your kindness and encouragement that you have extended to me many times through the years. Thankful for all the songs shared that have been added to my spotify because your taste is impeccable. I am thankful for all our ships and the time I have gotten to write with you. Even if that time is way less than it used to be the moments we get, the writing chemistry is always the same, and I love getting to escape into that creative world with you. I am so thankful for the world of rp and the fact that it brought you into my life. You may be a poop but you’re also pretty amazing. I love you lots and I hope this new year in your life brings you so much joy because that is what you bring to others.
The response was a typical Liz response. Either brushing things off or making it into a joke, and the typical thing for Graham was to go along with it. It was the pattern. He followed her lead because he was accustomed to making everyone comfortable. A trait he picked up early in life because at least then people wanted to be around him. The rejection from his own family seeping into this desire to never have a reason for others in his life to be done with him.
“I don’t want to deal with it,” the honesty came out though the confidence did not come with it. He saw the look on her face, an assumption that he was being sarcastic so he continued before she could get her next quip in and he lost the nerve to say what he felt. What he had been feeling for months. “I’m actually really sick of dealing with it. For you just brushing it off and not taking me seriously. Then I just have to say, oh well. Because that is Liz. She doesn’t take things seriously. Nothing really matters. And you know what? For the most part that’s fine. I like how you are. I like that we joke and that at the end of the day no matter how much shit we give each other there is not one second that I don’t feel safe to be completely myself with you.” He knew it went both ways. That there was a freedom that they had in each other. That when everyone else failed to understand them they just got each other. Except he had been questioning that lately.
“But there are sometimes that honestly, you use this whole thing as a crutch. Like an excuse of there not being more to you and that’s bullshit. Because there is more to you than this ‘I don’t care’ attitude and there is more to us too.” He took a shaky breath as his bold words felt so foreign for him to actually say out loud. “Go ahead and make your jokes and act like it’s not true but it is. Me and you… There is something here. And we can keep hiding it with drunk makeouts and moments that we never acknowledge but it’s there and I’m sick of pretending it’s not,” Graham shrugged, a hopelessness in his eyes because there was the feeling that after all this he’d be met with nothing in return. “I’m sick of just being the guy that makes it is easy because I don’t want to spook you. And I don’t think I’m crazy either in saying there is something real here past the jokes and friendship.”
He looked down only because he wasn’t ready to face any rejection until he at least got it all out there. “I’m not asking you to admit you love me or anything like that. To even try and be with me in any way. I just… For just this one time be completely real with me, Liz.” He let his eyes go back to hers, pleading with her for honesty. “Do you feel it?”
❛ all of this is my fault. ❜ ❛ are you even listening to me? ❜ ❛ are you scared? ‘cause i’m scared. ❜ ❛ are you sure you’ll be okay? ❜ ❛ can you say that again, please? ❜ ❛ do you have anything to say? ❜ ❛ do you wanna go out sometime? ❜ ❛ did you ever really love me? ❜ ❛ have you considered trying something else? ❜ ❛ how long do we still have? ❜ ❛ i can’t do this any longer. ❜ ❛ i can’t wait to go home. ❜ ❛ i didn’t want to do that. ❜ ❛ i don’t follow, i always lead. ❜ ❛ i don’t know what you mean. ❜ ❛ i hate him but i love him. ❜ ❛ i like i here, it’s nice. ❜ ❛ i’ll only go if you go. ❜ ❛ i’m here if you need me. ❜ ❛ i’m sorry, i had no idea. ❜ ❛ i’m weird, just deal with it. ❜ ❛ is this your first time here? ❜ ❛ just tell me what to do. ❜ ❛ just tell me why we’re here. ❜ ❛ no one will believe you anyway. ❜ ❛ nothing else matters except for you. ❜ ❛ please just let me help you. ❜ ❛ there is time to fix this. ❜ ❛ what do you want from me? ❜ ❛ where do you think you’re going? ❜ ❛ when will you come back here? ❜ ❛ why are you acting so stupid? ❜ ❛ why do you ask these questions? ❜ ❛ why would i lie to you? ❜ ❛ will you go out with me? ❜ ❛ you are more important than me. ❜ ❛ you don’t mean that, do you? ❜ ❛ you have nothing to worry about. ❜ ❛ you’ll always be my best friend. ❜ ❛ your hair looks really nice today. ❜
